One day, a few weeks ago, my dogs earned a punishment.
Being a fair (and completely anthropomorphizing) dog-owner, I decided humiliation and shame were the perfect teaching tools to bring wayward dogs back into the fold, and, with the hopes of shaming them into compliance, I set out on an adventure.
Their first introduction to their punishment brought them joy and wonder. They had no idea what was in store for them when I brought the object into the room. No idea. They danced, they grabbed at it, they barked at me. Great fun was had by all…
…until the dog wrestling began. First, I tried to put it on Cyrus. Struggling mightily, he escaped my clutches. So, I went for Kona. She, too, darted away like a greased toddler. I needed to up my game, so I broke out bribery. Now, I know that this was intended for punishment, but what kind of punishment would it be if I couldn’t get the damn thing on them? So, out came the dog cookies. I put a cookie in the end of the object, and my first victim was lured into the trap. BAM! And so she was captured.
She was completely, utterly shamed by having to wear Beaucephus. So completely shamed, in fact, that she refused to move an inch for over half an hour.
The cat laughed at her. Her brother poked her repeatedly with her nose, barking in her ear, and showing off his lack of horse-head by sprinting around the kitchen like a five year old hopped up on sugar and Mountain Dew.
FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Her shame and humiliation complete, she couldn’t do anything but sit with her nose between her paws and contemplate how she was going to kill me in my sleep.
I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR SOUL...eventually...
Fearing for the demise of my black and wilted soul, I decided to move on to my next victim. This one was harder to wrangle. At about 90 pounds, that dog is wily, and made it extraordinarily difficult for me. We went back and forth for a while. I put a cookie in the nose of Beaucephus. I could hear Cyrus dog-laughing at me, and saying “you’re fooling no one, you twat!” while running away. Finally, after getting frustrated, I pinned him in the corner of the kitchen and shoved it on his head. Hilarity ensued. He bucked. He shimmied. He mumbled. He moaned.
Finally he resigned himself to his fate, and sat down to take his punishment in sulky silence.
Fuck you, bitch.
He still let me know he was displeased, by sighing piteously. I laughed.
What did I ever do to deserve this?
Being the smarter of the two, he figured out in a few minutes that violently shaking his head expelled Beaucephus, so he was promptly free.
However, my idea of shaming the dogs into compliance, was, regrettably, futile. They went back to being complete dildos the very next day.
****Disclaimer- no animals were harmed in the making of this blog posts. The dogs, in fact, were (mostly) complicit, and suffered no long term ill-effects from copious doses of shame and humiliation. Please don’t turn me in to PETA. *****
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Tags: Beaucephus, Dogs, Funny Pictures, Horse Head, Shenanigans
Oh holy jesus. Girl, you’re killing me!!!
I live to entertain.
Mean doggy mama!
What can I say, I sacrifice their self-respect for you, my reader.
Dude you rock.
Most days
Thanks for reading OS!
oh, jeebus. where the hell does one get one’s own Beacephus?
because, i need a cat-sized one. STAT.
And people wondered what the heck you got that horse head for in the first place? Well they just underestimated your vision.
Indeed. The vision is what drives me to buy random objects and turn them into gold.
You need to go into random touristy places, find a place that says it’s a T-shirt company, and go dig through the back of the store. That’s where I found this little gem.
You are my hero! The best I can do is wait until one of the kittehs crawls into a plastic grocery bag (which I have told them REPEATEDLY not to do, even going so far as to read them the warning label). Then I pick them up in the bag and look down in it and say “Whatcha gonna do now, fucker?” They have no response.
I can see you in my mind, holding the cat in the bag and giving it the evil eye while cackling. I need to get Stewie in a bag.
These pictures made my morning!
Awesome!
Many eons ago my father had a Calico named Deirdre and the greatest times were when we had to bath her. Unlike most cats who would go ape-shit-psycho-insane at the mere presence of water she would sit there and howl mournfully the entire time. Although she did end up going deaf many years later and found her revenge by sitting in the kitchen and howling at 2 in the morning. How she figured out the proper spot to sit so the echoes woke the entire apartment is still a mystery to me.
Oh my. Yes, the howlers. My retarded pussy is one of those. He’ll sit in the tub while I’m washing him and not bite or scratch, but he makes a sound that is somewhere between air raid siren and fog horn.
Best blog yet. I think next time we need video of the dog running with Beacephus on.
Thanks IAN!
I wish I could get vid of them running around with it on, but they just stand still, like they’re pretending to be a dog-horse statue.
Ha!! Too funny! My cat Gozer would no doubt shred everything I own into tiny pieces if I did this to him. My dogs are so dippy that it wouldn’t phase them.
You made me smile today.
Yay, I’m glad!
Yeah cats… not so much. They’re devious.
Hilarious! I keep scrolling through the pictures and chuckling.
I’ll admit, so do I, and I took the damn pictures.
Thank you for reading!
I want. Possible to get retail? I know no-one in the mafia.
Yep, available online. It’s pretty much the only thing that comes up if you Google “horse head mask”.
Now, you must post pictures if you torture people/pets with it.
MMM K. This is the PETA version of the godfather. Is that a real horse’s head? Did you kill that horse to get his head, or did he lend it to you temporarily?
As far as torturing dogs go, did you think about feeding them peanut butter?
I once fed my cat lamb vindaloo. He wouldn’t leave me alone. I mean, really, as in using my leg for a scratching post. So I let him have it.
God, the snorting, the meowing, the nose-scratching.
And then the stupid bastard wanted more.
The big brown dog can’t handle spicy. He scrunches his face up and makes this horrified sound, then shakes his head like he’s got bees in his ears… and then comes back to sniff it again. My brindle baby will eat any hot sauce I give her, happily. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have taste buds or something.