A Spork-tastic Day, Part UNO

Oh hell, where do I even start. This is going to be a two part delivery, because there’s simply too much awesome to contain in one post.
So last night BFF presented me with my birthday gifts. Here they are.

Canned Unicorn Meat, Titanium Spork, and a Stamp that reads "Thanks for being... You, An Asshole, Both"

Oh yeah. She knows me so well. The unicorn meat can, once opened, revealed a dismembered stuffed unicorn. I laughed so hard I snorted!

So BFF, DBFF (Dude is the D, for all y’all catching up), and I decide to take the Spork on a road trip the next day. We plan to drive up Highway 1, through Big Sur up to Monterey, and back. Oh yeah, Spork’s going on a motherfucking RADventure.

This is going to be picture heavy, so if you don’t like pictures… go away.

Anywhoo, we get a pile of coffee, energy drinks, and snacks, and roll the fuck on the road at oh-bright-thirty 9AM.

Highway 1, for those of you unfamiliar with California, is a twisty fucking road that scales the mountains bordering the Pacific Ocean, and pretty much is a 2 lane highway with sheer cliff dropoffs for many, many miles. FUN SHIT.

Our first potty break, and the Spork made it’s debut.

I can’t stop laughing and brandishing the Spork at random strangers. Yes, utensils are vastly entertaining.

I took about 3 “actual” pictures. Here’s one for you.

Ooooo.... purdy.....

No joke, kids, I live in fucking paradise.

Anywhoo, onward with more Spork.

(DBFF behind the Spork)

BFF dancing!!!

Back on the road!

Giggling like an 8 year old going to a Bieber concert, I “stab” my friends.

POKE. POKE.

STAB!

I’m laughing my ass off in the back seat, because A) they can’t see me and B) I can’t hear them over the WHOOSHING sounds. The sunroof is open, and I’m deaf to fucking begin with.

Look at our amazing weather!

We stop at the most kick-ass lookout point… I wish I had all the pictures, like the one with me and BFF posting with the spork while DBFF looked confused and weirded out by us, but some of them were on another camera and are currently waiting to get out of jail.

Bridge, YO!

Moar Bridge

Back on the road!

SNACK TIME!

So, like half the road is washed out at some points, but I didn’t stop to take pictures because the ground was whizzing by too fast, and I was too distracted with my spork to care. But really. They’re building this sweet fucking bridge so hopefully the road can continue on even when the coast decides to lose some weight and be ever closer to rejoining her eastern brethren.

And we arrive in Monterey.

I relentlessly wave my Spork out of the window, desperately hoping someone will notice it and laugh. They don’t. The most I got was an odd look from one of those sign twirler motherfuckers.

This cab made my LIFE. Yes, it’s real, no photoshop.

We found this restaurant

Fucking. Brilliant.

… and we decide to go eat.

The food…Oh my… the food. It’s brilliant. Delicious. YUMMMMM. We ate like pigs. The decor was AAAAHmazing.

Spork meets a cousin

Back on the road, Whole Foods was on the to-do list from DBFF, cause he’s a hippy like that. Seriously, what the fuck is with that store? I felt weird walking in without dreads and a cloud of patchouli vapor following me. I was too afraid to take Spork pictures, though, cause those hippies looked freaking vicious. DBFF got some weird hippy tea drink that smelled like assholes, but tasted OK. I didn’t buy anything. I was afraid of being infected with a love of weed. Rite-Aid seemed like a more appropriate source for me, so from Rite-Aid we picked up more caffeine and headed to Castroville for some fucking Artichokes.

The artichoke house was pretty awesome. They had all sorts of fun stuff, like roosters

BEYONCE, BITCHES

Nutella

And fartless Chili

Completely fucking pointless

The best part? The 12 for a dollar artichokes, and the GIANT painting on the wall, that was, shall we say, simply enormous.

BFF licking the artichoke

BFF and I have a mini dance-off party in the parking lot, while DBFF pretends like he doesn’t know us, and hides in the car while we’re booty shaking and singing some nonsense tunes in front of the artichoke shrine. We get bored and decide to rejoin DBFF, who’s basically snoozing in the car waiting for us to finish acting like idiots in public while random geriatrics stare at us.

At this point, we all piled back into the car like a pack of sleepy kittens, and struggled to get our second wind. We’d been on the road for 7 hours, and were pretty worn out.

Cue text messages from our favorite texting personality, Skottikins, who demands to know if the “nuclear melt-down sirens were activated upon our arrival back in home county”?

I dressed up as a terrorist for this occasion.

It's a turban, fuckers. Don't judge art.

So, upon arriving back in Le Paradise, we drop off DBFF, because in reality, trying to handle two of us is simply too much for one person in one day.

BFF and I continued our adventures…..

But you’ll have to keep reading to find out.

BWHAHAHAAA

Tags: awesome, CA, driving, Funny, humor, road trip, sporks