1- The sun. I’m pale as a fish belly, and I burn into a crispy crispy critter if I just think about going outside in the sun. Sunscreen doesn’t cut it, I need a burka to cover every inch of skin and a huge pair of sunglasses to cover the eye slit. After spending 6 hours in the yard today, I have approximately 378 new freckles, give or take 150, and my skin is scorched.
2- Dirt. I’m not a girly-girl, but ye gods do I loathe having dirt under my fingernails. When it’s hot, I hate wearing gloves, so it’s a lose/lose situation. Then there’s the dirt in my hair, the dirt in my mouth and eyes and clothes, on my feet, in my nose (and boogers for the next 3 days)…
3- Bees. Fuck bees, dude. Fuck. Bees. So today I was cleaning up the yard, sprayed down the dog run with a citronella spray to bring the stench level down from uninhabitable to mildly disgusting. I guess this pissed of the rabid little motherfuckers that live in the roof of my shed, because, upon re-entering said dog run to retrieve my gloves from the shed, a kamakazi bee took exception to my aforementioned pale, sunburnt skin and stung me on my shoulder. Not feeling like this was enough damage, the little douchecopter climbed into my shorts to attempt to inflict more damage on my delicate skin. This resulted in me running through the house screaming bloody murder while trying to rip my shorts off without dislodging the little shit, which is not an easy task. THEN it started zooming around the bathroom, still trying to sting things, as I squeaked an tried to shut the door. Yep. Awesome. I made it pay for it’s sins by siccing the dog on it. She batted it to the floor and stepped on it, then I ground it into the carpet with my shoe. But now I have a golfball sized welt on my shoulder that burns like hellfire, so I think the bee won in the end.
And I’m only halfway done with the yard. At least I have 5 more days free from work in order to accomplish this task. I need a drink.
Anyone have any fun stories to tell me about yard work that will make me feel better about myself?