Ok so I got a few emails about the fact that I still mentioned I hate Priuses, so I thought I might clarify on WHY I hate them. I don’t actually hate the cars. I found the one that I drove very disappointing, and lacking in power, and that console thing in the middle made me feel VERY claustrophobic, but overall, it was OK. However, my beef, which I should have clarified originally, is with the hipster fucktards that drive these cars, and only the ones in MY county. I’ve seen normal Prius drivers in other counties. I’ve seen them a lot, actually, outside of a 45 mile radius of my house. However, in this stupid plastic bag banning hippy county….
See, in the county I live in, all the yuppy/hippy crunchy granola Tiger moms drive these fucking things. And by drive, I mean they operate them like they’re either racing in the Indy 500, or like they’re fucking golf carts.
Here’s the deal, bitches. You may think you’re Captain America Supermom of the fucking Century driving 32 miles per hour in a 55MPH zone. Hell, you might even be delusional enough to think that by driving like this, you’re saving the environment EVEN MORE! Now let me tell you, Madame Captain of the Royal Douchecraft Navy, everyone else thinks that your crunchy granola ass is the most obnoxious bitch on the road. SO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!!! You don’t need to drive so fucking slow. Putting a little pedal to the metal will not rip a gaping hole in the ozone layer, promise. You already drive a fucking hybrid, so if you think that your hybrid is going to do that much damage, get a motherfucking bicycle… oh wait… yeah…. you won’t cause it’s “far” and you have to schlep your little monster spawn around town and let them run rabid. Right.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, driving the same douchey cars in the same douchey hippy plastic bag banning county, are the speed demon feral crack monkeys who think it’s their perogative to ZOOM through traffic at alarming speeds, because, DUH, they’re saving the ENVIRONMENT, with their grab bag of terms including “locally grown, organic, free range, fair trade, sourced, repurposed, blah fucking BLAH NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID TERMS AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!” They bob. They weave. They fly by you as fast as that car can go (well 75 isn’t breakneck, but who’s counting), cut you off, slam on their brakes, go back in the other lane, ad nauseum. Yes, you fucking fairy farts, I’m talking to YOU. Just because you think that if you fart too much your methane will melt the ozone layer, doesn’t mean everyone else should bow down and kiss the feet of the self-titled “Captain of the Speedy Royal Douchecraft Carrier”. Fuck off you fucking fuck!
See, I don’t hate the car, I hate the operator. And I don’t hate every operator, only the ones HERE.
So here’s a big motherfucking FUCK YOU to the Priuses in my county. Be a real hippy, motherfucker, and ride your bike everywhere. Or a horse. Or the bus.
Happy motherfucking Friday!