Ok so I got a few emails about the fact that I still mentioned I hate Priuses, so I thought I might clarify on WHY I hate them. I don’t actually hate the cars. I found the one that I drove very disappointing, and lacking in power, and that console thing in the middle made me feel VERY claustrophobic, but overall, it was OK. However, my beef, which I should have clarified originally, is with the hipster fucktards that drive these cars, and only the ones in MY county. I’ve seen normal Prius drivers in other counties. I’ve seen them a lot, actually, outside of a 45 mile radius of my house. However, in this stupid plastic bag banning hippy county….
See, in the county I live in, all the yuppy/hippy crunchy granola Tiger moms drive these fucking things. And by drive, I mean they operate them like they’re either racing in the Indy 500, or like they’re fucking golf carts.
Here’s the deal, bitches. You may think you’re Captain America Supermom of the fucking Century driving 32 miles per hour in a 55MPH zone. Hell, you might even be delusional enough to think that by driving like this, you’re saving the environment EVEN MORE! Now let me tell you, Madame Captain of the Royal Douchecraft Navy, everyone else thinks that your crunchy granola ass is the most obnoxious bitch on the road. SO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!!! You don’t need to drive so fucking slow. Putting a little pedal to the metal will not rip a gaping hole in the ozone layer, promise. You already drive a fucking hybrid, so if you think that your hybrid is going to do that much damage, get a motherfucking bicycle… oh wait… yeah…. you won’t cause it’s “far” and you have to schlep your little monster spawn around town and let them run rabid. Right.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, driving the same douchey cars in the same douchey hippy plastic bag banning county, are the speed demon feral crack monkeys who think it’s their perogative to ZOOM through traffic at alarming speeds, because, DUH, they’re saving the ENVIRONMENT, with their grab bag of terms including “locally grown, organic, free range, fair trade, sourced, repurposed, blah fucking BLAH NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID TERMS AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!” They bob. They weave. They fly by you as fast as that car can go (well 75 isn’t breakneck, but who’s counting), cut you off, slam on their brakes, go back in the other lane, ad nauseum. Yes, you fucking fairy farts, I’m talking to YOU. Just because you think that if you fart too much your methane will melt the ozone layer, doesn’t mean everyone else should bow down and kiss the feet of the self-titled “Captain of the Speedy Royal Douchecraft Carrier”. Fuck off you fucking fuck!
*DDDEEEEEEEEEEEEP BREATH*
See, I don’t hate the car, I hate the operator. And I don’t hate every operator, only the ones HERE.
So here’s a big motherfucking FUCK YOU to the Priuses in my county. Be a real hippy, motherfucker, and ride your bike everywhere. Or a horse. Or the bus.
Happy motherfucking Friday!
Every time I hear some dumbass go on and on about how the bowl of weeds they are eating is organic I want to stab someone in the face. In fact my rage against “organic” food is so strong I have to resist the urge to scream “Organic means it contains carbon atoms you stupid fucks!?!?!”
And then I have happy thoughts about creating my own line of “inorganic” food…
Anyway, I feel your pain. Out here on the North Easterly side of hell every soccer mom needs to have an urban tank that they cannot drive. I swear by the Flying Spaghetti Monster that anyone who wants to buy a car/urban tank must prove they can drive the damn thing before they are allowed to buy it.
Marry me?
I wanted to punch my own mother in the uvula at Christmas because of the FUCKING BAG OF HIPPY TERMS she pulls out about quite literally everything.
AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
And I learned to drive on a Suburban with limo tinted windows… I can drive anything
Ok, so I started to do it again. I really need to start writing more, maybe I’d stop making replies so long! Basically.. I agree.. idiot drivers need to get off the road. And then there are those that I feel like this- don’t think you’re so damn special just because you look like a supermodel, eating weeds & fungus, and can hold a full time job & be the mom of the year. Eat some frikking FOOD. *sigh* Now I’m feeling all ranty and it’s only 5:20am. More coffee. Yep, and I’m going out for DONUTS soon. In my 2003, gas guzzling Chevy Malibu. Where I will likely drive close to the speed limit, maybe a little over, but not a lot over, because, cops love to troll our roads.
HAHAH yes!!!!!!!!
I need to go read your story, have been playing scramble scramble catch-up CRASH since Wednesday. UGH!!!
I might drive fast, but at least I don’t drive FAST, know what I mean?
Mmmm coffee
I feel your pain. I live near Boulder and see WAY more than my fill of wannabe hippie fucktards. Usually in their Birkenstocks and carrying the REI water bottle…
My stupid county banned plastic grocery bags, and I could see us going to ban plastic water bottles too…. I will pitch a HISSY FIT! DON’T FORCE YOUR HIPPYISMS ON ME IT MAKES ME WANT TO GO BURN TIRES!
Here in MD Prius drivers are stupid slow. Every time.
UGH