My god, I’m starting to scare myself.
See, I’m slowly morphing into a different person, as I age. This person, ironically, is the one who dropped me out of her loins 26 years ago. Yes folks, I am my mother’s daughter.
I know this particularly while driving on the freeway… it’s like listening to a tape of my mom from my childhood. As I veer into traffic, tailgating the person in front of me while screeching “WE’RE GETTING ON THE GODDAMN FREEWAY! GO! GO! 45 IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE SPEED JUST USE YOUR FUCKING PEDAL YOU’RE GOING TO GET US KILLED!” I start to go through a weird flashback memory… all in black and white and slow motion of my mom doing the EXACT GODDAMN THING when I was a kid. I used to get so annoyed with her for yelling at other cars… until I started driving. Now, I understand.
Some other gems of mine that I’ve caught myself using this week?
-”WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU, STUPID? IT’S A PASSING LANE, NOT A “YOU’RE THE ONLY DRIVER ON THE FUCKING ROAD” LANE!”
-”HEARD OF A BLINKER, FUCKWAD?”
-”Oh sure, keep swerving. There ya go. CONGRATULATIONS MOTHERFUCKER YOU GOT TWO CARS AHEAD AND ENDANGERED TWELVE PEOPLE.
-”WHAT THE HELL, GRANDMA!!!!!!! HOW DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE!?!?!?!?”
-Oh sure. Keeeep texting. Awesome. Sweet. Nice swerve. Good job buddy. Heard of the law? FUCK!
-Stop signs! Not optional!
-TURN YOUR GODDAMN BRIGHTS OFF MOTHERFUCKER! WE CAN SEE YOU!
Obviously I have issues with driving! Hahaha! This whole driving 45 minutes each way for work has given me a lot of FUCK YOU’s these last few months.
So, folks, what Mom or Dad isms do you catch yourself saying/doing? Happy Friday!
A woman I used to date lived in the city of Albany, which for people who do any city driving knows that city parking is a fucking bitch. One night after coming back from a movie we are driving around her neighborhood for what feels like an hour hunting for a parking spot. What I didn’t realize is that I was muttering a string of curses the entire time and after a while I noticed this look of shock and terror on her face. After calming her down she explained to me that I had been doing it the entire time we were looking for a parking spot and I never paused to breath and apparently never repeated myself.
Some of my favorite driving sayings are:
“Way to go fuck nuts.”
“If you can’t drive it you shouldn’t fucking own it.”
“Don’t you people have homes? Families that fucking care about you?”
So was that why y’all aren’t dating anymore? Did your potty mouth scare her off?
*giggles*
No repetition is impressive!
It’s like we’re twins.. separated by 16 years.. and different moms. Yea! I have an hour to get to work, and 90 minutes to get home. Go figure that one out. *shakes head in disgust* You would think you’d hit the same traffic going home, that you come in with.. but NO.
Other things I say:
“It’s SUNDAY! Shouldn’t all you people be in CHURCH?!”
“Did you see what he just did!? ASSHOLE!”
“I’m already speeding, get the FUCK off my ASS!”
“Great, stuck behind a damn truck for the rest of this trip until we hit the toll road.. I just know it!” (which, happened today.. big smelly truck, flipping mud all over my windshield, even when I was keeping a good distance, causing my wiper fluid to run low.)
“Great, delayed because of “SUN GLARE?!” It’s called sunglasses & a visor! USE THEM!”
“It’s only drizzling! Why are we creeeeeeeeepingggggg?! Damn people can’t drive!”
HAHAHAHAHA! OMG! The “get off my ass” one is frequently used in my car.
God I hate driving sometimes! Bitches be crazy!
And.. “It’s not a goddamn hurricane, it’s sprinkling. Put your panties on and GOOOOOOO!!!!!”
I swore I would never be like my mom. But I find myself randomly bursting into songs from musicals and or Broadways, of which she did in public. . . a lot. . and loudly. I have yet to advance to the stage of embarrassing public musical outbreaks like my mom, but I fear they are inevitable.
Favorite angry driving saying:
“What is this happy horse shit?!”
P.S. I love your blog. You hilarious lady, you. Thanks for writing!
“What is this happy horse shit?”
Consider this phrase added to my vernacular! Freaking awesome!
That’s funny about the show tunes… When I catch myself jamming out to hair bands, I think of my mama.
Thanks for reading!
hahaha! I haven’t heard that one in ages! Happy horse shit.. going to have to start re-using that one!