Captain’s Log, Stardate 02.01.13:
I have decided to embark upon a perilous journey, one that could compromise my sanity… I have decided to get back on track with eating properly and being an overall healthy human being. In a fit of psychosis, I have purged my cabinets of everything that may slightly resemble food, and replaced it all with “healthy” edibles. These items lack any real taste and resemble the consistency of pressed cardboard, but claim to be “nutritious” and assure me that my hunger will be sated while I attempt to whittle away my hefty body mass to something resembling a human rather than a freakishly large slug. Further reports to come.
I have flexed my willpower muscles and am conquering my desires. Mind over matter. I have had nothing but leaves and vegetation to eat today. I feel like I could move mountains and accomplish anything my heart desires. This is easy!
I am starting to feel a… disturbing… lack of self-awareness. All I can feel is this weird grumbling in my stomach. Bodily functions have decreased, as I believe I am not eating enough calories to make my poop chute have anything to expel. My vision is extra sharp at the moment… I can see sounds, and everything is getting a bit wavery, as if looking through a mirage. Is this a good thing? I cannot yet tell.
Psychosis is setting in. This morning I awoke in excruciating pain, to find that I was mindlessly gnawing on my own finger in my sleep. My dream of eating a hot dog was sadly untrue. Oh, what I would give to eat a hamburger at this moment… but I must prevail. I promised myself, I can do this! All these self help books I’ve been perusing have attested that the mind is stronger than the physical form, and if I just push through these next few days, I will be on the road to recovery and a svelte physical form. I am noting that these books do not, however, attest to the mental state of the subject in question. Alas, I will give it another day.
After consuming approximately 18.9 cups of coffee!!! COFFEE IS DELICIOUS!!!!! JAVA!!!! I am attempting to stave off hunger by distracting myself with caffeine and television. I have been awake for nearly 38 hours and my eyes feel as if they are little balls of (delicious strawberry) Jello, poised and almost falling out of my head. I am hallucinating cupcakes on my kitchen counter, but when I go to eat these magical cupcakes, I am met with sadness. Paper towels, alas, are not an acceptable substitute for delectable sugary goodness.
I CANNOT CONTROL MYSELF ANY LONGER!!!!! I HAVE BEEN AWAKE SINCE THE LAST ENTRY BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER THINK OF ANYTHING BUT ACQUIRING MORE FOOD!!!!! THE COFFEE I HAVE BEEN DRINKING TO SUBSTITUTE FOOD HAS LEFT ME WITH AN INABILITY TO MODULATE THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!!! WHY ARE WE YELLING!!!??!!
So…. hungry….. I have decided to sacrifice my left arm. Who needs left arms, anyways? I haven’t shrunk in any noticeable form, so my arm still looks like a delicious roast just waiting to be harvested. Now, where did I put that Skil saw?