BabyBlue is much more passive aggressive, so she decided to kill my S button completely, and then play “musical stickies” with the rest of them. I put up with her for a long time because I’m lazy, I couldn’t bear to be computer-less for a few days, and I’m one cheap motherfucker.

Until…… I got an end of year bonus.

Now, I’d been contemplating replacing Baby with a Shiny Shiny, aka a brand new MacBook Pro. Oh how I pined after a shiny, brand new laptop with a bajillion new bells and whistles to endlessly amaze me. However, I am a cheapass motherfucker, and putting logic ahead of my shiny-grubbing mentality, I thought… well it’s just $100 bones to get Baby a new keyboard…and she works like new….

So off to the MacDoctor I trotted, Baby in tow, all kinds of bound and determined to resist the siren song of the Shiny Shiny Objects.

tralalaaaa

I darted to the back of the building, painfully aware of all the Shiny in there, and doing my best to focus on looking at the ground.

But…. they made me wait. And while I was waiting, I noticed something dreadfully magnetic on the table.

Oooooo

There, on the counter where the MacDude told me to have a sit, was a glistening brand new bit of AWESOME, otherwise known as an iPad.

In other words, I was fucked.

I dropped Baby off with the MacDoctor and they told me it’d be SIX days before I’d get her back. Now, me being a complete fucking internet whore, this was devastating news. And then… the plot began to hatch. I had forbidden myself from buying a new MacBook…. so I’d still be saving money if I got the iPad instead, right? I started bargaining with myself..

“Well if we get the iPad we can be nicer to Baby, then Baby won’t get so abused and our keyboard investment will go further and the iPad doesn’t have a keyboard so we can use it while drinking and then we can take it in bed and play while laying down and then… and then… and then…

Yep, I'm fucked.

I pranced out of the store with my new iPad tucked carefully in a black Apple bag, with a case that I generously let the little salesman upsell me to, since I rained on his speech parade. (I decided what I wanted right away and didn’t want to hear the demo blah blah… poor guy looked a little… taken aback)

I had the weekend off from work, and let me tell you, that fucking thing is a time VAMPIRE. I spent all of Saturday evening, most of Sunday in the wee AM hours, and Sunday afternoon dicking around on this fucking magical piece of technology. Ian, you bastard, why you ever suggested that I download Temple Run I will never know, but I kind of have a love/hate feeling towards you right now.

Saturday night/Sunday morning, I looked up and hot damn if it wasn’t past 3AM! I felt like some kind of crack addict (or at least what I imagine crack addicts feel like, cause, you know, crack is whack). It was like being strung out. The Thing had magical entrancing powers that FORCED me to keep playing with it. If I thought about putting it down it’d reveal some other magical trait that sucked another hour out of my life, and before I knew it it was early morning and I was STILL on the fucking iPad.

I’m pretty sure I looked like this:

INTERNEEETTTT!!! SHINY THINGS!!! TEMPLE RUN!!!!!!

So the morals of the story are:

1. Don’t let me go anywhere with shiny things
2. I have no willpower
3. I will crush the dreams of the salespeople around the world.
4. Giving me technology is like giving a 5 year old a Redbull and a box of candy.
5. I have  no self control.
6. I suck at drawing.

I also spent about half an hour playing with the camera features, because it has awesome things like that heat map thing on it. Yes, I took shameless pictures:

OHMYGODLOOK I'M ALL FUNNY COLORS HAHAHAA (...maybe I should sleep...)

So… Anyone have any interesting stories regarding rogue technology hijacking your life and making you feel like a complete fucking zombie after it’s chewed on your brain and spit it out?

The challenge: use random words, google images, and see what happens. Now, I’ve always wondered how The Google directs people to my site with search terms such as “tinkle fart fairy”, so I guess this will be a test to see what The Google really thinks. Maybe? No? Well it’ll be funny either way.

I went to a random word organizer thing, typed for several minutes the objects that ran through my head, added in an adjective or two, and went to town. I picked the pictures from the first few lines, the funnier, the better.

May I present: Google Olympics. May the most fucked up picture win!

1. Candied Collar Dumbbell

What the fuck? Fat dog= Candied Collar Dumbbell??? Uh.....

2. Stripper Scarf

Cause that's what I want keeping me warm....

3. Hat Icicle Floozie (I don’t even know)

This cat is a FLOOZIE! I don't see a hat or an icicle, though...

4. Ugly Pretzel Flattener

Weeeeelllll, I can see how it'd flatten pretzels, and it's sure ugly.

5. Vagina Coozy

Well, wrong anatomy, but A+ for effort!

6. Pretty Poop Fan

Well this one is pretty close, actually.

7. Rippled Towel Cupcakes

Uh. Yum?

8. Turban Fuzz Nickel

Really? I don't see a turban. Or fuzz. Or a nickel. You bastards.

9. Toes Butter Webcam

Toewinning#

10. Pretty Vagina Origami

WTFH

I know you fuckers can come up with better.

Email me yo plunder! One.. two… three… GAME ON!

GO FIND YOUR FUCKING TESTICLES.

BAM!

The end.

But he’s on a roll this week.

Motherfucker knows how to open cabinets, but I got babylocks. Yes, folks, my entire house is babyproofed against my devious canine. I hate it, but I guess if I somehow randomly acquire someone else’s crotchdropping through (likely nefarious) random means, I’ll be ready to keep Baby out of the antifreeze and Draino.

But there’s the one cabinet. See, this cabinet holds THE TRASH, but I ran out of baby locks before I got to it, so I crossed my fingers and covered my butt hoping that he’d somehow think that ALL of the cabinets were locked once he tested the Tupperware (favorite treat) one and was defeated by the power of two tiny pieces of plastic. I can hear him wailing now… “DAMN YOU LACK OF OPPOSABLE THUMBS!!!” *shakes paw menacingly at the sky*

Anyways. The trash closet. It’s been safe for so long. Almost a year. I forgot that dipshit liked to open cabinets and rain down destruction on my poor little house.

Until today.

Today, I came home to find that yes, yes indeed, the dog is invested in trying to drive me to an early grave.

This motherfucker eats. cans. No joke. He decided to raid the recycling bin and EAT most of the ALUMINUM cans. Now, you may ask, “how is this dog alive after ingesting massive quantities of sharp, shredded aluminum without suffering a torturous, agonizing death?”

My answer: I have NO fucking idea.

Count them: 18 cans eaten. Now, he left me bits of each can, so I could count them, but the majority of the can went into his black hole of a stomach, to resurface as ultimately painful shits when the remains decide to make an appearance. And, he decided to barf up a few of the bits, so not only was the kitchen scattered with the skeletons of many tin can corpses, but it reeked of bile and regret.

Some days, I wonder why I don’t hang him from a tree. But then he grins at me and I forget why I’m mad (yes, the dog actually does smile)

Durrrrrrrr

Any awesome stories of destruction by your pets?

This fucker emails me the funniest shit. Today’s edition, complements of ColinP

Gangsta Granny don’t take no shit,
But she will start some shit if you don’t back yo ass off.

Gangsta Granny is all up in yo bidness,
Cause Gangsta Granny puts the pi(e) in pimpin’.

Gangsta Granny will cut a bitch,
Just to teach a ho her place.

Gangsta Granny don’t have 99 problems,
Cause she has all the bitches.

Gangsta Granny don’t kill no animals for her furs,
They’re just to afraid to move.

Gangsta Granny once pimped slapped a bitch so hard,
It retroactively killed JFK, Tupac and Biggie Smalls.

See? See?

Next, we’re going to co-author the Chronicles of Tazer and the Tranny Cat… hehehehee

Happy Friday bitches!

And what do we do with a witch?

Now, first, I’d like to apologize, not just in the comments, for being so absent the last 6-8 weeks (depending on who’s counting). I’m really not stable, emotionally, and the last 2 months or so I’ve been severely depressed. It’s cyclical, so it wasn’t unexpected, but it still fucking sucks yak vagina. Pulling out of it is gonna be tough, but I’m getting there.

So the really fucking annoying thing about all this is- I changed my diet and added exercise a few weeks ago, cause I figured that’d be a good start. I refuse to take medication. So I’m feeling better, feeling a little more “me”, and then WHAM. PLAGUE.

What kind of fucked up irony is this? I can’t breathe. I can’t do anything without coughing.

HACK WHEEZE HACK

I can’t TALK (oh lawdy, I can’t talk, now you KNOW I’m in trouble). Fuck this noise.

What the fuck is this?

So I’m trying one of those “toddy” things- booze, honey, lemon? Anywhoo… I’m terrified of it, but I’m going to do it. Individually (and not hot) the ingredients are delicious. Combined and heated? Uh… I’m afraid. I’ll let you know if I vomit.

FOOTBALL BABY!

What I don’t love? The little poser bitches who troll for dick in the bars by pretending they like “the football” while wearing cheap-ass knockoff jerseys they bought at Target. Now, I get being, you know, DESPERATE, and all, but please for the love of fucking GOD get away from my favorite sport, you stupid little trollups. Skanky, smelly (cheap perfume is not a bath, you hookers), and annoying as fuck “LIKE OHMYGAWED he’s running!! EEE!!! *clap clap*” idiots. You can spot them from a mile away.

-First, they always, ALWAYS enter the bar either in pairs, or in 3′s. They need backup idiocy to maintain their facade of actually knowing what the fuck goes on.
-They come in dressed to the nines. Heels, skinny jeans, BRANDFUCKINGNEW jersey with the latest and greatest player from the better team that is playing.
-They curl their motherfucking hair. Sorry ladies, true broads who do go to the bar for the majority of the day to watch the NFC and AFC championships don’t give a fuck about curling their hair. Sorry.
-The incessant hair-flipping, giggling, and checking out of the man-scape is another dead giveaway. If you’re not watching the game, you’re pretty fuckin obvious

My favorite game?

Grilling these posers on their “favorite team”.

Hey uh, cutie? What’s your quarterback’s name?

-Ummm… which one is the quarterback?

POSER!

Now, I had a fan-fucking-tastic day at the bar watching my favorite sport, hanging out with some rad dudes, and enjoying some delicious beer. I was really sad that the Ravens choked. Let me tell you, there’s a lot of things you can make up with the last name “Cundiff”… usually involving the word cunt… but that guy deserves a kick in the nads for shanking that ball so bad. Holy fucking crap.

And the Niners lost, thank you little baby jesus. Now you may comment that I live in CA, so I should vote for those fools. Nuh uh. Doesn’t work like that. I’m a Raider’s fan through and through, and the fact that the Niners fans are so fucking OBNOXIOUS makes me hate them. Well that and the fact that the posers have come out in full force since they (finally) started winning this year.

Oh wells. Onward to the SuperBowl! May Tom Brady have his leg broken in 4 pieces during the game, and may someone break his fucking face. Amen.

X-ray vision- Dude, who the crap would want to see what other people are doing behind closed doors besides pervs and spies? Uh uh, not me! I don’t need to know that my neighbors are into kinky pony play and like to lounge around in the nude, thank you very much. My eyes!

No one needs to know how you groom your beave

The ability to read minds- Now, this sounds like a good thing when you first start thinking about it. You could learn secrets! Hear what people think about you! Steal PIN numbers and take money!… but then, think about how stupid people are OUT LOUD! Can you imagine being subjected to their mental fuckwittery all day, every day. Blah blah blah oh look a kitty blah blah SEX blah blah HAMBURGER blah blah MY ASS ITCHES… No thanks!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!

Resurrection- Seriously? You want to be a fucking zombie? Dead people smell bad… and the bloating… Nuh uh.

Bwaaaiiinnnzzzz

Time travel- Want to fuck with your mind? Think about going back in time to your former self and doing something that makes your current self an amputee. But then, when you go further back to try and fix the problem you accidentally kill your fucking mum and don’t exist at all! Too much of a mind fuck, too many ways to screw up everything. I wouldn’t have the brain cells to keep shit straight!

Dooo doooooo dooooo dooooo

Superspeed- I see this going very, very badly, unless you add in superhuman sight, the ability to see things that are coming when you’re going about 150 miles per hour with the wind you’re making in your eyes making your eyes water… Zoom zoom zoom BAM!! BRICK FUCKING WALL, BITCH. AND YOU’RE OUT.

It's all fun and games until you slam into a wall.

What say you? Any others that you  think are more than like curses? I’m sure I missed a bunch.

Now, to be clear, I BARELY remember posting and didn’t remember what it was about until logging in this morning. I’m kind of an idiot when I’m drunk! But, on the plus side, I can still spell and write (mostly) coherent sentences!

So, felt.

WORST. FABRIC. EVER.

It itches
It’s ugly
It’s heavy
You get stuck to it if you have chips in your fingernail
It’s ugly
Only girlscouts use it

Uses for felt

Those chair dot things so you don’t gouge your floors
Uh… girlscout projects
Pool table surfaces
Making stupid hats for your dog
Pretending to have a real kilt

….
….

Yeah I got nothing.

You know what? Now I want some felt. I’ll make some amazing(ly awful) dog hats.

Holy shit.

Fast food burger…. at 10PM… while wasted. BEST BURGER EVER!!!!!!!

*highfive*

I know, you ask, when the FUCK is Tazer going to post like normal again. The answer, kids, is not definite. Hopefully soon.

My mind is kinda fucked right now, though.

Got any topics for me? I’ll expound on a few, ad nauseam!