HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA

Oh how I love me some fucking football.

 

FOOTBALL BABY!

 

What I don’t love? The little poser bitches who troll for dick in the bars by pretending they like “the football” while wearing cheap-ass knockoff jerseys they bought at Target. Now, I get being, you know, DESPERATE, and all, but please for the love of fucking GOD get away from my favorite sport, you stupid little trollups. Skanky, smelly (cheap perfume is not a bath, you hookers), and annoying as fuck “LIKE OHMYGAWED he’s running!! EEE!!! *clap clap*” idiots. You can spot them from a mile away.

-First, they always, ALWAYS enter the bar either in pairs, or in 3′s. They need backup idiocy to maintain their facade of actually knowing what the fuck goes on.
-They come in dressed to the nines. Heels, skinny jeans, BRANDFUCKINGNEW jersey with the latest and greatest player from the better team that is playing.
-They curl their motherfucking hair. Sorry ladies, true broads who do go to the bar for the majority of the day to watch the NFC and AFC championships don’t give a fuck about curling their hair. Sorry.
-The incessant hair-flipping, giggling, and checking out of the man-scape is another dead giveaway. If you’re not watching the game, you’re pretty fuckin obvious

My favorite game?

Grilling these posers on their “favorite team”.

Hey uh, cutie? What’s your quarterback’s name?

-Ummm… which one is the quarterback?

 

POSER!

 

Now, I had a fan-fucking-tastic day at the bar watching my favorite sport, hanging out with some rad dudes, and enjoying some delicious beer. I was really sad that the Ravens choked. Let me tell you, there’s a lot of things you can make up with the last name “Cundiff”… usually involving the word cunt… but that guy deserves a kick in the nads for shanking that ball so bad. Holy fucking crap.

And the Niners lost, thank you little baby jesus. Now you may comment that I live in CA, so I should vote for those fools. Nuh uh. Doesn’t work like that. I’m a Raider’s fan through and through, and the fact that the Niners fans are so fucking OBNOXIOUS makes me hate them. Well that and the fact that the posers have come out in full force since they (finally) started winning this year.

 

Oh wells. Onward to the SuperBowl! May Tom Brady have his leg broken in 4 pieces during the game, and may someone break his fucking face. Amen.

Tags: fake fans, football, giants, niners, patriots, posers, Tom Brady

Let’s talk superpowers!

I was thinking about weird things while I was driving home today, and started to debate the awfulness of having certain “superpowers”.

X-ray vision- Dude, who the crap would want to see what other people are doing behind closed doors besides pervs and spies? Uh uh, not me! I don’t need to know that my neighbors are into kinky pony play and like to lounge around in the nude, thank you very much. My eyes!

No one needs to know how you groom your beave

The ability to read minds- Now, this sounds like a good thing when you first start thinking about it. You could learn secrets! Hear what people think about you! Steal PIN numbers and take money!… but then, think about how stupid people are OUT LOUD! Can you imagine being subjected to their mental fuckwittery all day, every day. Blah blah blah oh look a kitty blah blah SEX blah blah HAMBURGER blah blah MY ASS ITCHES… No thanks!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!

Resurrection- Seriously? You want to be a fucking zombie? Dead people smell bad… and the bloating… Nuh uh.

Bwaaaiiinnnzzzz

Time travel- Want to fuck with your mind? Think about going back in time to your former self and doing something that makes your current self an amputee. But then, when you go further back to try and fix the problem you accidentally kill your fucking mum and don’t exist at all! Too much of a mind fuck, too many ways to screw up everything. I wouldn’t have the brain cells to keep shit straight!

Dooo doooooo dooooo dooooo

Superspeed- I see this going very, very badly, unless you add in superhuman sight, the ability to see things that are coming when you’re going about 150 miles per hour with the wind you’re making in your eyes making your eyes water… Zoom zoom zoom BAM!! BRICK FUCKING WALL, BITCH. AND YOU’RE OUT.

It's all fun and games until you slam into a wall.

 

 

What say you? Any others that you  think are more than like curses? I’m sure I missed a bunch.

Tags: flash, Funny, random musings, Stupid shit, Super powers, time travel, Zombies

Why felt sucks

Well, since I opened myself up for it last night, I’m picking a topic that one of y’all suggested for me.

Now, to be clear, I BARELY remember posting and didn’t remember what it was about until logging in this morning. I’m kind of an idiot when I’m drunk! But, on the plus side, I can still spell and write (mostly) coherent sentences!

So, felt.

WORST. FABRIC. EVER.

It itches
It’s ugly
It’s heavy
You get stuck to it if you have chips in your fingernail
It’s ugly
Only girlscouts use it

 

Uses for felt

Those chair dot things so you don’t gouge your floors
Uh… girlscout projects
Pool table surfaces
Making stupid hats for your dog
Pretending to have a real kilt

….
….

Yeah I got nothing.

You know what? Now I want some felt. I’ll make some amazing(ly awful) dog hats.

 

 

Drunk post.

Uh.

Holy shit.

Fast food burger…. at 10PM… while wasted. BEST BURGER EVER!!!!!!!

 

*highfive*

 

I know, you ask, when the FUCK is Tazer going to post like normal again. The answer, kids, is not definite. Hopefully soon.

My mind is kinda fucked right now, though.

 

Got any topics for me? I’ll expound on a few, ad nauseam!

The end of the world is upon us!!!!!

Merry 2012 bitches!

Let’s blow this shit up.

What am I doing tonight? Well, I’m all of 5 years old on the inside, so, I’m eating jalapeno poppers, drinking mimosas, in my PJs, and watching The Lion King on DVD (SQUEEEEE finally!!!). The perfect night, methinks!

Play safe, don’t kill yourself or anyone else, and for god’s sake don’t drive if you drink.

BAM BOOM FIRE!!!

Tags: be safe, Booze, Lion King, NYE

Finally, a GOOD update!!

I’ve been so busy. Traveling during the holiday season is a special kind of hell, seriously. Thus, I’ve neglected to keep y’all updated on the cat!

Well, I’m officially the proud “parent” of a transgendered cat! Stewie underwent a Perineal Urethrostomy (PU) surgery on Thursday. In normal people words, he had his itty bitty dick cut off and was given a “she-hole” to piss out of. Good news is: he is recovering marvelously from the surgery and is pissing like an A grade champion.

I’m fucking tired and don’t have much to say tonight. Christmas was good, the Parental Units shut the fuck up about the cat… And I sprung him from 9 long days in the clink last night. My wallet is shrieking in agony and the cat is purring his stupid fuzzy butt off. The vet techs said he was “ummm… difficult…?” the last few days.. and they had several people ask “what the hell are you guys doing to that cat???” Yup, my cat, screaming his little head off wanting out of his cage. Gotta love him.

Here’s some pictures for you! And yes, the vet techs have a HUGE sense of humor and gave my formerly-male cat a pink, sparkly Cone of Shame.

Homecoming, Bitches!

My Nose Is Tasty

I'm a Poodle fuckers!

Not too hurt to explore!

Big bed, little Kitty

The pee hole formerly known as the penis

Merry Christmas my lovely fuckers. I’ve missed each and every one of you. Thank you for the good thoughts, prayers, vibes, whatever, and all the “check-ins” in the last few days. Seriously, you people rock.

Now tell me, how was YOUR Christmas?????

Tags: Cat, LOVE, penis separation, transgendered cat

Small update

Kitty is still in the hospital. They took the catheter out this morning, fingers crossed that he can pee without it. If he pees, he should be able to come home tonight.

If not, he has to have surgery to widen his urethra.

My mom is still all up my ass to get up to her house for Christmas, and hasn’t once asked how the cat is doing. She’s also talking shit to all my siblings about how I should have just killed “it” cause “it” is costing too much money and ruining her Christmas plans.

I’m having huge anxiety problems because I hate feeling out of control, and the pressure from the parental units is driving me insane. I hate that all I can answer to “when” is “I don’t know”.

 

Merry Christmas to me.

Please send healing vibes/prayers to my cat

You know, the troublemaker that’s often featured on this blog.

He was in so much pain when I got home tonight at 9PM… I took him to the emergency vet.

He has a blocked bladder and will have to stay there for 3 days to drain it out. He’s scared, hurting, and my heart is breaking for him.

My parents being the compassionate assholes that they are sent me the following texts:

Mom: Seriously, it’s a cat. Say goodbye.

Dad: Don’t spend money on the cat. Put it down go to the pound pick out a new one. Remember they kill cats there every day.

 

Thanks, parents, for being assholes. God forbid you fucking show a shred of compassion to your daughter when she’s BAWLING HER EYES OUT IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE VET after dropping off her animal.

 

FUCK. YOU.

 

Stew should be OK, they’re putting in a catheter and draining everything out, they didn’t seem too concerned but he probably would have died if I’d left it to take him in the morning.

Healing vibes his way would be much appreciated. I don’t want to lose my little buddy, he’s been my rock for 5 years and really is my joy.

My little G

Belly Rub!

Tags: good thoughts please, Sick cat

Tazer’s Guide to Not Dressing Yourself like a Complete Asshole

1. Leggings are NOT pants. I repeat: NOT PANTS. You look like an asshole.

Just, NO

2. You look like a tool if your ass is hanging out of your pants. Ask mommy to go buy you some trousers that fit, little boys. A 105 pound soaking wet white boy will NEVER pass for gangsta no matter how low his pants are.

Da fuck???

3. Shapeups are ridiculous. Doubly so if you’re so heavy they’re FLAT instead of that fucked up curvy shape. Kind of defeats the purpose, no?

Don't do it!!!

4. Velour track suits do not make you look rich. Rather, they make us all cringe being able to see the cellulite on your thighs from across the room. Buy some real clothes, for the love of god.

Please shoot me

5. Miniskirts, microshorts, and other items like them belong on twigs. If you’re a 300 pound, 5’1” 50 year old, you make everyone want to vom every time you walk by them. Please cover it up, for the love of god.

Please make it stop. PLEASE

6. Spray tans make you look like an Oompa Loompa. If that’s what you’re going for, you’re a Douchecopter.

Help me! Snooki stole my style!

7. Jeggings/Pajama Jeans: Fuck you, you lazy turd. Wear some goddamn pants or stay home. Can’t have both.

Trust me, it doesn't look better on a chick.

8. The “romper” outfit: Mmkay, kids, here’s the deal. Short overalls went out of style when y’all graduated first grade. Rational adults shouldn’t be caught dead in one of these things!

UGH

What are some of your pet peeves when it comes to what some idiots call “style”?

Tags: Fashion, Funny, nonsense, ridiculous, Snooki, Ugly clothes, UGLY PEOPLE

The Best Outfit Ever

The scene: Professional office

The players:

-Lobby Pimp- Old lady

-Me- yours truly.

So I saw this lady today that made me lose my shit. This had to have been THE best getup I’ve seen in a year.

Skinny little old lady, with a HUGE fur coat, pimp style.
Pimp status fedora
Shimmery bronze skirt
Cane
And the kicker?

LEATHER MOTHERFUCKING SHAPEUPS.

Things have been poorly distorted with Photobucket to protect my identity and maybe that lady's identity, too. Although I only care about myself, so what gives?

You’re welcome.

 

 

Any good outfit stories from y’all recently? Outfits that *aren’t* supposed to be costumes?

Tags: Fucking awesome, Funny, hilarious, Hos, humor, Pimps, Random strangers